January twenty first 1997

 

 

I went to Becky's today. I wasn't supposed to. I'm lucky I didn't get caught.

I'm grounded because I made 2 F's on my report card. I'm not really grounded. I just can't do anything including all church activities which I really don't think is fair for a fifteen yr old, but it's my punishment , so I'll just have to deal with it.

At dinner I stated the fact that I got an 80 on my history test today and they got all mad and said, I didn't try hard enough which I guess I really didn't put enough effort into studying for it, but I'm over it, they're not. So they're making me write my feelings and thoughts down , and I thought I'd write in here because I feel more comfortable.

I have to sit at the dining room table and work which I don't like because I work better on my room on my bed, listening to the radio and thinking my own thoughts.

My stepfather just turned on the T.V... In a way , it's kind of mean of him , but he doesn't mean to be.

Billy really likes me but I don't want him. I want a lot of other people , though. I think I like liking guys so much that I don't really know if I like them or if I just think I do. I guess I'm just really weird, but not really. I think everybody at 1 point in time like someone cause they really truly think they do, but in reality , they do it just to like someone cause they feel like they want to/ need to/ have to/ or are supposed to. I don't know who I want, but I know I want someone pretty badly.

It's not that I'm desperate. A lot of guys like me. It's just that i'm not truly contently satisfied with any one of them yet.

It's really hard to live in a Christian life.I 'm not doing so well at it. I almost convinced myself I was a slut. I'm not , but i've done a lot of things except go all the way... but i'm sure that stuff will happen soon.

I've tried to cigarette once this New Year's Eve. I still don't crave alcohol or drugs, though. I'll probably never crave alcohol. I might try drugs sometime , but I hope not.

I'm kinda tired, but I'm not allowed to stop yet. Mom doesn't think i've written enough yet. She's being really sweet about it, though. Almost disgustingly sweet.

Sometimes she tries so hard to be nice. And sometimes I'm nice back, but most of the time I snap her head off. I don't want to , but her voice is so annoying.

Oh well , i'm tired that's all for now.

Okay , bye.